Orcadian Light, Uncomfortable Flight and Neolithic Frootery...

... and the Curious Case of the Absent Pasty

The journey does not begin in a particularly auspicious manner.

As we are about to set off for the epic trip up to Orkney, my car decides to pester me with unwelcome warnings. The “door open” light is on and remains so despite my checking and double checking. Turns out to be the bonnet which, whilst partially closed, does not seem inclined to fully lock. This is sub-optimal for a 600 mile round trip. Then again, I am hardly likely to back out of the trip now am I? I mean the bonnet is sort of closed. I decide that I will just have to risk it and keep an eye on things.

The plan is to drive to Edinburgh - possibly via stops at Durham and/or Holy Island - for the flight up to Orkney. As the journey progresses, the usual flight timing paranoia kicks in along with the fear of getting delayed in traffic (which it turned out was a good call) and so we just drive straight for Edinburgh with just a couple of quick stops - one for a reconstructed wood henge and the other for yet another aborted attempt to acquire a quality pasty. Despite web indications to the contrary, the service station does not have a West Cornwall Pasty Company concession and (after my previous attempt on the M5) I am beginning to think that perhaps the company has folded, or at least withdrawn from service stations.

So much for stodgy travelling fare. The sad end of an era.

Still, at least we make it to Edinburgh without the bonnet flying off and causing a major incident. Bonus.

The flight to Orkney is fairly smooth and uneventful (this will not be the case on the return journey). As we fly in, the islands start to appear out of the mist and, even from the plane, Orkney has a liminal feel as though the veil between the worlds is thinner here. Frootery is an Orcadian word for witchcraft or something that can’t be explained, and it certainly seems to fit. And also is my new favourite word!

We find ourselves in a curiously light Kirkwall and it then dawns on us that we are the beneficiaries of a northern post-equinoctial daylight dividend and that it will not be getting dark imminently.

This realisation instantly changes our plan from heading straight to the hotel (having picked up the somewhat overpriced hire car) to maximising our limited time on the island and we head to the Ring of Brodgar, for a first look as the sun sets, and are richly rewarded…

This is a superb stone circle and one of the largest in the country. It was built around the same time as Stonehenge and Avebury, but each of these had construction phases stretching over hundreds of years and these will all have overlapped and there is evidence that the building of these was a communal effort by people from across the country, including groups from Orkney being involved at Stonehenge.

Orkney was a major concentration of neolithic sites and this is of course one of the main reasons that we are visiting. Some of the oldest structures in Britain are in islands and it was pretty much the centre of culture in neolithic times. Of course it is also rich in Viking history, having been ruled by Viking jarls for hundreds of years.

The Viking or at least Norwegian rule only came to an end in 1472 when the islands were confiscated by the Scottish parliament to cover the debt of an unpaid dowry by the King of Norway. Oops.

Back at the hotel, we are too late for dinner, so a sandwich from Tesco and a few pints in the hotel bar are in order. When I finally track down a member of staff to serve me in the lounge, he politely points out that there is another bar at the front of the hotel, whilst simultaneously communicating to me that it might not be for me. Having established that the front bar has a better selection of beer, I foolishly head there. This is clearly used by the locals and there are a group of heavy drinkers sat at the bar being reasonably loud. The atmosphere is a tad lairy. As I lean in to take a look at the hand pumps, one of the youths accuses me of trying to sniff his neck. I have no idea what to do with that, so grab my 2 pints and retreat back to the lounge chuckling to myself.

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The next day we are up bright and early, determined to make the most of our only full day in Orkney. Due to one of my trademark scheduling snafus (and much to the disappointment of Ethan who is a consummate trip planner), we are booked to visit Maes Howe (the obvious first stop for the day) at midday. No matter, we can head out and double back. The distances really aren’t that great.

On the way, we stop at the Stones of Stenness. These are huge monoliths (only 4 remain of the original ring). The Ness of Brodgar is a thin strip of land, part of an ancient sacred landscape, bookended by the Stones of Stenness at one end and the Ring of Brodgar at the other. This whole area is designated as a UNESCO World Heritage site.

The Ness of Brodgar is an amazing ceremonial site but sadly we will not see it on this visit as it is only open for viewing in summer whilst the ongoing excavations are taking place.

Anyway, the Stones of Stenness are mightily impressive (as is the wind chill as we approach them!). Probably the tallest that I have seen other than the Rudstone Monolith in Yorkshire, which is about 2 metres (let’s call it 6 or 7 feet as these sites were laid out according to older measures) taller than these.

"2001" anyone? Ethan took the particularly arty one which he entitled "The Chip Fork"

A welcome return to a warm car, and we are off to Skara Brae. Skara Brae is a collection of neolithic houses only found after being uncovered by a storm and are probably the oldest standing houses in Europe (except for the slight older settlement at the Knap of Howar, also in Orkney). I guess building in stone (not a tree in sight on Orkney!) allows them to last longer and of course being covered for thousands of years also helps.

The early start means that we have this amazing site largely to ourselves to start with, and also the wind is starting to drop and we realise that we have been blessed with that rarest of things in Orkney : a warm sunny day.

I have to avoid buying a miniature Skara Brae in a tin in the gift shop which just makes me laugh, but otherwise get out relatively unscathed other than stumping up for a mini guide to Neolithic Orkney.

Our wander around Skara Brae takes us to the point were we can take a leisurely drive back to Maes Howe for our 12 o’clock.

Maes Howe is a chambered cairn. You are not allowed to take photographs inside which is a pity because there is some interesting Viking graffiti. Well I say that, but when the guide translates the jokes for us, my sides fail to split. I guess you had to be there. Maes Howe is about 4600 years old but in the twelfth century some Vikings broke in to shelter from a a storm and spent several days carving runic graffiti and some quite intricate images of animals, possibly representing myths about Loki and his children, Fenrir the giant wolf and Jörmungandr, the Midgard Serpent. Of course no photos, so I’m afraid that you are denied the opportunity to see these. I’m sure they can be found online - I leave this as an exercise for the enthusiast.

The other interesting thing about Maes Howe is that they never found any bones in there, so it is open to question as to whether it was a tomb. I suspect that many of these sites were ceremonial and the urge to ascribe funereal function to them is a little misguided. Of course there are plenty of other cairns on Orkney (you can’t throw a stone without hitting some ancient monument) which probably were burial mounds, but Maes Howe also has a massive henge around it which perhaps hints at other uses.

Back on the road north again, with a brief stop at Barnhouse near Stenness. This is another settlement built about the same time as Skara Brae

Orkney is so full of this stuff that people try to cram too much in (not me obviously!). This is referred to as tomb fever, often followed a little later by the feeling of being tombed out. That is for weaker, lesser travellers.

On our way north, we intend to stop at the village of Twatt, for the obligatory amusing photo op. I don’t see any sign for said photo. I’m not sure whether this is because they have been removed to stop tourists stealing them or whether I missed it because I was distracted by the guy aggressively tailgating me all the way there. I don’t know whether he was a local, but I think he embodied the essence of the place.

The lack of sign is almost made up for by the pottery shop in the village of Harray which has a sign reading Harray Potter. It’s these little things that make travelling joyful.

Regardless, we continue on and find ourselves in Birsay. A quick wander around the Earls Palace and then we head down to the beach. The weather has improved dramatically and this is a beautiful spot. There is a causeway across to the nearby island which, had the fates and tides aligned, we would have crossed. Although the causeway is only just submerged, the tide here comes in from both sides and quite dramatically, so no wading will be attempted!

This is one of the nicest beaches that I have been on in many years, but I never expected to be paddling in the North Atlantic in early April!

Also, these may be the most relaxing benches in the world.

Onwards and a final-ish stop of the day at the Broch of Gurness. We have deliberately delayed our arrival here until after closing time as I had read online that they leave it unlocked and that you can wander around freely and for free out of hours. Cheapskates.

This is somewhat more modern than the stuff that we have previously been visiting, dating back only as far as the Iron Age. Impressive non the less, so I won’t hold it’s modernity against it!

Heading back to the hotel we are again distracted by a sign for another chambered cairn and hop out to explore. On reaching the entrance neither of us are feeling the need to go inside. Getting into Maes Howe was an exercise in uncomfortable crouching, this was a more serious bit of business and would have required crawling. Meh. Maybe I am tombed out after all?

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Overnight, the wind picked up to gale force and we start to wonder whether our flight will be cancelled. Not an infrequent occurrence in Orkney I believe. We decide to kill a few hours before heading back to the airport by wandering around Kirkwall and visiting the St. Magnus Cathedral, dating from the twelfth century.

There are lots of people buried within the walls and the markers are very heavily decorated with skulls and bones, although one of them looks more like an alien grey than a human skull. Who knows, maybe Orkney had a visitation?

St. Magnus himself was relocated from his initial burial site and placed inside one of the pillars, as was his nephew Rognvald who built the cathedral to honour his uncle. Rognvald was also later canonised.

Across the road from the cathedral is the Orkney Museum with displays relating to all the periods in Orkney’s history. I’m quite taken by a jet button, which looks far too modern but demonstrates the level of skill that early peoples had. I am particularly excited (I know, I know) to see a carved stone ball. These are mysterious items found all over Scotland but no one really knows the purpose. This is not the finest example but interesting to see one nevertheless. Some are much more intricate - either in terms of the patterns and designs on them or because their symmetry is reminiscent of platonic solids, which raises some interesting questions…

By early afternoon, the wind has died down a bit but not disappeared so we are confident that the flight will be OK. Well, it was OK in the sense that it went, but clearly the weather was much wilder in other parts of Scotland and the flight was fairly lively. It went into full rollercoaster mode as we were coming in to land at Edinburgh, triggering some copious vomiting from the child in the seat behind and coming close to triggering a chain reaction. There was a constant flow of bags from other passengers to the parents of the child. I think he probably used all of the bags from the back end of the aircraft, so that’s a fairly impressive output.

After that, we are ready for a drink. As luck would have it, we have booked to go to the Johnny Walker Experience. This turns out to be pretty entertaining and provides much more sampling opportunities than the whiskey experience on the Royal Mile. They seem to be on a bit of a mission to wipe out single malt snobbery and explain why the complex blending that they undertake is better. I am convinced, but still prefer bourbon. They are clearly geared up to the digital age, suggesting hash tags and providing strategic lighting for the perfect snap of your drink.

They clearly reckon without the social media challenged like myself. Actually I could probably have left the media bit out there.

Of course they save the the couple of quick cocktails until just before turning you out into the shop. They know what they are about, but at least they do it with humour and don’t try to hide the fact. Works too as it turns out!

We had been planning to visit a Norse Mythology themed bar but after a less than glowing review from our guide, and having acquired a nice bottle in the shop, we decide that a return to the hotel and further sampling is in order. A pleasant (and suitably Scottish) way to round off a great trip.